“I’m not a feminist but…” Stop it.

In the spirit of International Women’s day, I wanted to talk about some “Feminist” thoughts on rampage in my mind. My focus group is mostly Nigerian women because I am one and I am familiar with our thinking. I’ll start with those who say, “I’m not a feminist but…” when making a point. Lord knows how tired I am of that shit. You’re either a feminist or you’re not; you either believe in equality for women socially, economically, politically, and in every other respect or you don’t. Even if you were slow in fully embracing all that feminism is, like myself, making a statement like that is really unnecessary, apart from the fact that it irritates me.

The two most annoying things about this “I’m not a feminist but…” statement is that it is always used by women (especially my fellow Nigerian women), usually when they are giving a reason why something should or shouldn’t be happening to a woman, and it is always said in the presence of men. According to a study by Vox media, 85% of Americans believe in equality for women, but only 18% consider themselves to be “feminist.” This most likely translates into a much lower number for both sides when talking about Africans; but it is no less disheartening. It is as if feminism is some foul element we do not want to be associated with, even when African women are perhaps most subject to the unfair prejudices of our immensely patriarchal society.

I was hanging out with a few friends one evening last semester. During the course of our evening, the discussion turned a little political. With respect to a subject I cannot recall, a girl said “I’m, not a feminist but I think that…”, to make a point about women and the African society, and that set me off. So I asked if she could tell me why she did not identify as a feminist. She tried to explain and defend herself, but to me it was just an awkward stumble for words and not a coherent answer. Then one of the guys joked about me and my feminism arguments, and how I should stop being so serious, then we changed subject. I wasn’t upset, but it just didn’t make sense to me how you can agree that women are one of the most marginalized groups on the planet, yet you do not want to rebel against that or identify with a movement that seeks to cross over those boundaries that society has placed before a woman based on her gender. You don’t even want to at least talk about it? Understand it? Despite the fact that you know that there are significant disparities between male and female rights? This same thing happened in a YouTube video from a channel I actually enjoy watching. A group of Nigerians were talking about slut shaming of women and one of the girls, the owner of the channel, proclaimed how she wasn’t a feminist but slut-shaming was stupid because guys are never subject to it, blah blah blah. I just rolled my eyes. I wonder if she would’ve distanced herself from feminism in that way if those guys weren’t there.

“We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls, you can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful. Otherwise, you would threaten the man. Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. Now marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support but why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same? We raise girls to see each other as competitors not for jobs or accomplishments, which I think can be a good thing, but for the attention of men. We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are.”

-Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, We Should All Be Feminists

I can mention a few reasoning of a Nigerian woman (because this is a group I am all too familiar with) who refuses to identify as a feminist. My mum and a couple of my friends are examples of these women. No shade to them, but yes, I am also sort of calling them out.

1. Because our culture teaches submission. Funny enough, I too believe in submission in marriage, but to each other, and not just a woman to her husband. The Bible even asks us to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ (Eph 5:21), if you’d prefer me to justify my belief. Furthermore, even if you’re so traditionally inclined, like myself again, feminism does not tell you to wage war against your spouse or be rude or disrespectful or even try to do everything by yourself (although independence is also be one of the fruits). It simply stands inequality. Heck, women only got the right to vote less than 100 years ago.
2. Because the Nigerian society is so damn patriarchal. Imagine a country of about 170 million people where a majority of a population believe that a husband cannot rape his wife. Meaning that sex is always consensual in marriage. Many little girls are still getting married off to men that are as old as, if not older than, their own fathers. Women are always being silenced. Even myself. One of my stories got published on Brittlepaper.com recently (Link here) but I blocked my family and their close friends from seeing it because apparently, I’m not “supposed” to liberally talk about sex, and they would definitely call me out on it. I once took a picture with a guy and put it as my whatsapp picture when he was going through some stuff. We pretty much had a family meeting about it! Even my brother said that that could’ve never happened to him if he was in my shoes. And please don’t say they were only protecting me or anything like that; because if they were, their defense for our chat wouldn’t be that they were concerned about what people would think of me…about a picture of me and a guy… about a picture of me and a guy without physical contact and with our clothes on. Because I had made it my profile picture. LOL. When I tried to defend myself…oh well.
3. Being a feminist is still quite unusual in our society, but it is not immoral. And on that note, why are we so afraid to talk about abortion? Anyway, I’ll get there in a second. I believe that a majority of Nigerian women agree that the gender pay gap exists (I used to think it was because of the general view that a man is the head of the home, but even that isn’t accurate for obvious reasons), and that violence against women is still at a threatening high (Can we talk about the threats to aboriginal women sometime? It’s such a big problem here in Saskatchewan?), and that abuse, assault, discrimination,  social, economical and political stagnancy are a big problem for women. These are things feminism stand against and create awareness for. It fights for men and women to be seen as equals, for women to be heard and not just seen, for me as a woman to be able to serve my country in whatever capacity (Hello Military), and get the same pay as a man in the same position as me. It speaks against a woman getting shamed when she embraces her sexuality (even I can be very conservative about this. i still have my reservations about #freethenipple movement, but remember what I said about reactions to me writing about anything remotely sexual. I’m just like leave me alone so I somehow kinda get it), and when she chooses what she wants for her body and her future. Feminism stands for access to EDUCATION and good HEALTHCARE; and yes, I’m also referring to abortions and other reproductive health care (even though, to be clear, I wouldn’t necessarily choose abortion for myself). It took me a long time to understand the argument for and against abortions. What won the argument for me was that not everyone thought like me, or was in the same condition as I was. At least there should be access to safe abortion centers, if not, many women will die. Watch “Trapped” Trailer here ; John Oliver on Undue Burden here
4. Feminism is not born out of hatred of men or love of attention, but simply out of the need for equality for women despite arguments about the natural/emotional/fragile/whatever-you-call-it tendencies of woman.
5. We care too much what others, especially men…especially Nigerian men, think of us regarding the feminist argument. It defeats the purpose. Why do you care when you know you’re doing right by yourself and your daughters and their daughters. Even if the men refuse to be feminists, should we sit there in silence too? If not you, then who?

Other notes:

1. Feminism is necessary. Because it is born out of the blood sweat and tears of women before us who died unspoken for at the hands of their husbands, boyfriends, fathers, etc. For those who bled on the tables of circumcision houses, on the pillars of honor killing plots, on the altars of rape and ritual killings, and even at their desks in their classes or on the seats of their school buses because they dared to go to school. I could go on.
2. Feminism is not always about extreme causes. It also gives women a voice, and that seemingly ordinary purpose gives many of us satisfaction. That voice is way too important to ignore.
3. Feminism is not only about creating awareness of gender disparities. It is also about being more, always and in all ways.
4. Not all feminists are angry, although you probably don’t believe me because I sound angry in this post, lol. I’m really not. We just wonder why change isn’t coming any faster, because it should. But we are patient. At least things are actively progressing, even in Nigeria.

“I looked the word up in the dictionary, it said: Feminist: a person who believes in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes. My great-grandmother, from stories I’ve heard, was a feminist. She ran away from the house of the man she did not want to marry and married the man of her choice. She refused, protested, spoke up when she felt she was being deprived of land and access because she was female. She did not know that word feminist. But it doesn’t mean she wasn’t one. More of us should reclaim that word….My own definition is a feminist is a man or a woman who says, yes, there’s a problem with gender as it is today and we must fix it, we must do better. All of us, women and men, must do better.”

-Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, We Should All Be Feminists

Reality check:

If you realize that there is something fundamentally wrong in the way society considers and treats women, and you seek to fight against it, you are probably a feminist.

If you have to say the words “I’m not a feminist but…” when you’re fighting for women in an argument, you’re probably feminist.

If your heart feels compassionate to the plight of discriminated, murdered or abused women (or the girl child), or concerned about the realities of the gender pay gap, or heck, even pink taxes, you are probably a feminist.

If you flare up against misogynistic acts and statements and think we can do better as a society with regard to women, the portals of the earth, then you’re probably a feminist.

And most importantly, if your heart soars at the knowledge of women who have overcome barriers and stepped over boundaries that their genders have posed and became success stories and legends in their own rights, names that never will be forgotten in the history books or even just in your community or on your timeline on social media; and if you aspire to be like them, to be more than what society has defined you to be based on your gender…Oh honey, welcome. You are a most likely a feminist.

And just identifying as one is important because one woman cannot break the stereotypes and limitations alone.

Happy International Women’s Day!

Yours truly,

Chi.

 

Cover image by Sylvie Pankhurst via flickr

Quotes from We Should All Be Feminists, by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie